help! I am living with a toxic roommate!

Dear Living Revive,

So, I just moved to NYC a couple of months ago—big move, big dreams, tiny apartment. I was so hyped to start fresh and thought I got lucky with a roommate I found online. Our first Zoom chat went well; she seemed cool, said all the right things about splitting rent, sharing the space, maybe even grabbing drinks sometimes. It felt like it was going to be a solid setup.

Fast forward to now, and it’s a totally different story. She’s… intense. Like, she labels everything in the kitchen (I’m talking salt containers), flips out if I leave my shoes by the door, and for some reason thinks blasting techno music at 7 a.m. is a vibe. But what’s really bothering me is how I’ve overheard her gossiping about me to her friends—saying I’m “messy” and “immature.” It stung, especially since I go out of my way to clean and respect the space.

I’ve tried talking to her. I’ve brought up the noise and the passive-aggressive comments, but every time I do, she brushes it off or makes me feel like I’m being too sensitive or imagining things. It’s starting to mess with my head, and honestly, I’m beginning to dread going home. Which sucks, because this apartment was supposed to be my little safe space in the city.

What am I supposed to do? I don’t want to escalate things and make the vibe even worse, but I also feel stuck—and exhausted.

—Tired and Trapped

Dear Tired & Trapped,

I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. Especially right after a big move. Starting fresh in a new city should be exciting, not draining. And no, you’re not being “too sensitive.” Wanting to feel safe and comfortable in your own home isn’t asking for too much—it’s basic.

Let’s be honest: from what you’ve shared, this doesn’t sound like a minor personality clash. It sounds like a situation where your roommate is being disrespectful, dismissive, and controlling. And when someone dismisses your concerns or talks about you behind your back, it’s hard not to feel like your space is being invaded on multiple levels.

Since you’ve already tried bringing things up and haven’t gotten anywhere, it might be time to go a bit more structured. Schedule a time to talk—not a casual “hey in the kitchen” moment, but a sit-down where you can clearly lay out a few boundaries. Focus on the stuff that’s directly impacting your ability to live comfortably: noise in the mornings, passive-aggressive behavior, and gossip in shared spaces. You don’t need to defend your character—just state what you need and what’s not working.

If she brushes it off again or turns it around on you, that’s your answer. Some people aren’t interested in changing or cooperating, and when you’re sharing a small space, that becomes a real problem fast.

At that point, the priority shifts to protecting your own mental space. That might mean setting up routines that help you spend more time outside the apartment. Find places where you can decompress—coffee shops, the park, a gym, anywhere that feels like a mental reset. Noise-canceling headphones or even a white noise machine can help you create some sense of privacy, even if it’s not ideal.

Also, as much as it sucks to think about, keep records. If there’s ever a bigger issue—like a dispute with your landlord or needing to break your lease—you’ll want some kind of documentation that shows you tried to work things out.

And yeah, if it keeps getting worse, start thinking seriously about a move. I know NYC housing isn’t exactly stress-free, but there are better roommate matches out there. Ask around, check the listings, and keep your options open. You don’t have to stay stuck in a space that drains you every day.

This is a rough patch—not the whole story. You’re allowed to want peace. You’re allowed to advocate for yourself. And at the end of the day, you’re doing the best you can in a tough situation.

Hang in there—better living is out there.

—The Living Revive Team