have I become too dependent on him?
Dear Living Revive,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years now, and honestly, it’s been a really great relationship. He’s kind, super supportive, and genuinely my biggest cheerleader. But lately, I’ve been feeling a little uneasy about something, and I can’t shake it.
Over the past few months, I’ve started to wonder if I’ve become too dependent on him. Like, anytime something goes wrong—whether it’s a bad day at work, drama with a friend, or even just me feeling bored—I automatically go to him. He’s always the first (and usually only) person I turn to. I’ve noticed I even ask for his input on small things, like how to word an email or what I should make for dinner. It’s like I’ve stopped trusting myself to make decisions without him weighing in.
But it’s not just that. I’ve kind of let other parts of my life slide, too. I used to hang out with my friends way more often, and I had hobbies that actually brought me joy—like yoga and journaling. Now, I barely make time for any of that. I usually just end up spending all my free time with him, and while I love being with him, I’m starting to wonder if I’ve lost a little bit of myself along the way.
Here’s the kicker: he actually brought this up to me recently. He was really gentle about it—no blame or anything—but he said he’s noticed that I’ve been leaning on him a lot, and he encouraged me to reconnect with some of the things I used to do on my own. It kind of stung to hear, mostly because I know he’s right.
So now I’m feeling stuck. Am I being too dependent? And how do I find that balance between being close to someone and still holding on to my own independence? I don’t want to pull away from him, but I also don’t want to keep losing myself in the relationship.
—Feeling a Little Lost
Dear Feeling a Little Lost,
What you’re feeling is incredibly common, and the fact that you’re noticing it and asking these questions says a lot about your self-awareness—and your commitment to keeping the relationship healthy. That matters.
Let’s Talk About What’s Really Going On
It sounds like you’re dealing with two main things: relying on your boyfriend for most decisions, and letting parts of your own life take a backseat to the relationship. Both are very normal patterns, especially in close, loving partnerships—but that doesn’t mean they feel good in the long run. And clearly, they’re not feeling good to you now.
Decision-Making and Self-Trust
Asking your partner for advice or feedback is totally fine. But when it becomes automatic—when you’re running everything by him before trusting your own voice—it can chip away at your confidence. Try pulling back a little, one decision at a time. Start small: pick your dinner without checking in. Send that email without a second opinion. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s also how you start rebuilding that sense of trust in your own judgment.
Reclaiming Your Space
Relationships often start out intense, and it’s easy to let routines, friendships, and hobbies slide. But those things are part of what made you feel whole to begin with. Start reintroducing just one activity that’s purely yours—something that brings you energy and reminds you of who you are outside the relationship. That could be journaling again, catching up with a friend, or even just going for a walk on your own. The goal isn’t to spend less time with your boyfriend—it’s to spend more time with yourself.
Your Boyfriend’s Role
It speaks volumes that your boyfriend brought this up gently and supportively. That’s a good sign—it means he sees you, and he wants both of you to thrive. When you talk to him about this, be honest. Let him know you’ve been thinking about what he said, and that you want to reconnect with your own independence—not because something’s wrong, but because you want to show up in the relationship as your full, grounded self.
Expanding Your Support System
It can also help to check in with other people in your life when things come up. A friend, a sibling, a co-worker—someone else to share the mental load. Not every problem or decision has to go through your boyfriend first. That kind of variety makes your support system stronger and your relationship healthier.
Take Your Time
None of this has to happen overnight. And honestly, it shouldn’t. Making small, consistent changes is what leads to real balance. You’re not trying to become a completely different person—you’re just reconnecting with the version of you that exists outside of the relationship. That’s not only okay, it’s necessary.
You don’t have to choose between closeness and independence—you’re allowed to have both. And it sounds like you’re already on the right path.
—The Living Revive Team