The Positivity Trap

You’ve probably felt it before—maybe in a convo with a friend, in a comment on social media, or even from yourself—but didn’t have the words to explain it. That pressure to smile through the pain, to be “grateful” even when you’re drowning, to look for a silver lining ASAP before you’ve even had a second to breathe? That’s toxic positivity. And yeah, it’s real.

At first glance, it sounds kind of... nice, right? Like, who’s going to argue with “positive vibes only” or “just look on the bright side”? We’re constantly fed these kinds of phrases in subtle ways—through motivational quotes, highlight reels on Instagram, wellness influencers preaching mindset shifts, and even friends who mean well but don’t quite know how to handle hard emotions. Positivity is everywhere. And while it can be uplifting, encouraging, even empowering when it’s genuine—it turns toxic when it starts to silence what we’re really feeling.

Because here’s the thing: not every situation has a bright side. And even when it does, you don’t have to rush to find it. If your first instinct when someone’s venting is to spin it into something “not that bad,” or if you catch yourself downplaying your own struggles because “others have it worse,” that’s toxic positivity creeping in. It teaches us that onlygood vibes are allowed, and everything else—anger, grief, disappointment, stress—is something to hide or feel guilty about.

But emotions don’t work like that. You can’t just mute the uncomfortable ones without eventually numbing the good ones too. You can’t fully feel joy if you’re constantly pushing sadness into a closet and locking the door.

Toxic positivity tricks us into thinking we’re being mentally strong or emotionally mature by “choosing happiness,” but real strength? That comes from feeling the full range of emotions without judging yourself for them.

This kind of constant fake-happy energy can quietly mess with your mental health, relationships, and self-esteem. It’s sneaky, and it often comes wrapped in well-meaning intentions. That’s why it’s so important to call it out—not to cancel positivity, but to make space for something deeper: emotional honesty. Because that’s where the real healing, connection, and growth begins.

So if you've ever felt weird about being upset when everything “looks fine,” or guilty for feeling down when you “should” be grateful, just know—you're not being dramatic. You're just human. And you're allowed to feel all of it.

Let’s talk about it.

Toxic positivity is basically the idea that no matter how rough, stressful, or straight-up painful life gets, you’re supposed to slap on a smile and act like everything’s fine. It’s the mindset that says only happy, hopeful, and positive emotions are allowed. Everything else? Pushed aside, brushed off, or treated like it’s something to be embarrassed about.

Feeling overwhelmed? “Just think positive.”
Heartbroken? “Everything happens for a reason.”
Burned out and exhausted? “Well, at least you have a job!”

At face value, these phrases might seem comforting—they’re short, optimistic, and familiar. And to be fair, most people who say them aren’t trying to be dismissive. They usually mean well. But here's the reality: these kinds of responses can feel like emotional gaslighting. They skip over the depth of what someone’s going through and send a subtle message that hard feelings aren’t allowed here.

And let’s be real: emotions don’t just disappear because someone told you to “look on the bright side.” If anything, that kind of dismissal can make you feel worse, like you’re broken or weak for not being able to force a smile through it. It turns the very human experience of pain into something that feels taboo.

Imagine this: you finally open up to a friend about feeling burned out, unmotivated, and anxious. You’re being vulnerable. You’re being real. And instead of holding space for you, they hit you with, “You should be grateful—other people have it so much harder.” Instantly, your emotional experience is invalidated. The space for vulnerability disappears, and instead, you’re left with guilt. Now, not only do you feel like crap—you feel guilty for feeling like crap. That’s toxic positivity in action.

It creates this weird emotional hierarchy where “negative” emotions—like sadness, frustration, grief, or anger—get labeled as weak, dramatic, or inconvenient. But emotions aren’t good or bad. They’re all just data. They tell us something about what’s happening inside us, what matters to us, and what we need. Ignoring them doesn’t make you healthier or more “zen”—it just disconnects you from yourself.

There’s actual psychological research to back this up. Dr. Jaime Zuckerman, a clinical psychologist who specializes in mental health and emotional regulation, explains that toxic positivity can cause people to feel emotionally disconnected, ashamed, and isolated. Instead of learning how to process their emotions, they learn how to hide them. And long term? That has serious consequences.

Studies published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology have shown that suppressing emotions can increase anxiety, elevate stress levels, and even negatively impact physical health. It’s like shaking a soda bottle and keeping the cap on tight. Eventually, the pressure builds—and when it pops, it’s messy.

And it’s not just about the stress. When you deny yourself permission to feel things like anger or grief, you actually dull your capacity to fully experience the good stuff too. That’s what Brené Brown means when she says, “You can’t numb the dark without numbing the light.” You can't selectively shut down your emotional responses. If you try to block out pain, you end up flattening joy, connection, excitement, creativity—all the stuff that makes life feel rich and real.

The truth is: being human means feeling the full spectrum. And that’s not something to apologize for. That’s something to honor. You are not “too sensitive” for having emotions. You’re not ungrateful for struggling. You’re just... feeling. And that’s allowed.

Why It Actually Hurts (Not Helps)

Positivity itself isn’t the problem. Like, let’s be honest—motivational TikToks that hype you up? Big mood. Getting a random compliment from a friend? Instant serotonin. But forced positivity? That’s where things go sideways. Toxic positivity tells you your real, uncomfortable emotions don’t matter or shouldn’t be felt—and over time, that mindset can seriously mess with your mental and emotional health.

Let’s start with emotional suppression. When you constantly ignore or downplay your emotions—telling yourself to “just think positive” when you're actually struggling—that pain doesn’t magically go away. It builds up, quietly, until it spills over. You might start noticing random bursts of anxiety, mood swings, irritability, or even full-on burnout. Research has shown that bottling things up can lead to chronic stress and contribute to long-term issues like anxiety and depression. So no, ignoring your feelings isn't strength—it’s self-abandonment in disguise.

Then comes the shame spiral. You ever catch yourself scrolling through Instagram or TikTok and suddenly feel bad for being sad? Like, “Why can’t I just be happy like everyone else?” That’s the trap. Toxic positivity feeds into the comparison game, making you feel like you’re broken for having real emotions while everyone else seems “fine.” But newsflash: no one is genuinely happy 24/7. What you’re seeing is a curated highlight reel, not the full emotional reality—and holding yourself to that impossible standard only deepens feelings of shame and self-doubt.

It also messes with your relationships. When someone opens up and gets met with a dismissive “Just be grateful” or “Look on the bright side,” it doesn’t make them feel better—it makes them feel unseen. Real emotional connection happens through shared vulnerability, not through sugarcoating or changing the subject. If you always keep conversations surface-level to avoid discomfort, you might end up feeling disconnected, even around people you care about.

Finally, there's the deeper mental health impact. Studies (like one from the journal Emotion) have found that constantly avoiding or numbing emotions doesn’t help you cope—it actually increases psychological stress and can even cause physical symptoms like headaches, sleep issues, or muscle tension. So while toxic positivity might feel like a quick fix, it actually delays healing and makes things harder in the long run.

Can You Spot Toxic Positivity?

It doesn’t always shout—it whispers. And sometimes, we don’t even realize we’re doing it. Maybe you’ve caught yourself saying “I’m fine” when you’re absolutely not. Maybe you’ve hit someone with a “Good vibes only!” during a heavy moment because it felt easier than diving into something uncomfortable. Or maybe you’ve avoided deep convos because they felt too “heavy” or not the right vibe.

Another common one? Minimizing your own pain by thinking, “Other people have it worse.” While perspective is important, using it to invalidate your own emotions only leaves you feeling more isolated and disconnected.

If any of these sound familiar, don’t stress. It doesn’t make you a bad person—it makes you human. We’ve all absorbed these messages, especially in a culture that worships hustle, hustle, hustle and slaps “gratitude” on every emotional wound. But the first step toward unlearning toxic positivity is simply noticing it. Awareness is everything. Once you can name it, you can shift it.