Help! I Am Living With a Toxic Roommate!

  • Dear Living Revive Team,

    I recently moved to NYC—big dreams, tiny apartment, the whole deal. I was so excited to start this new chapter and thought I’d hit the jackpot with a roommate I found online. She seemed super chill during our first Zoom call, and everything sounded great: splitting rent, sharing kitchen duties, and even going out for drinks together.

    Fast forward two months, and I feel like I’m living in a nightmare. My roommate is a total control freak. She labels EVERYTHING in the kitchen (yes, even the salt), freaks out if I leave my shoes near the door, and insists on blasting her weird techno playlists at 7 a.m. like it’s a rave. But the worst part? She’s constantly gossiping about me to her friends in our living room. I’ve overheard her saying I’m “messy” and “immature,” which, first of all, ouch! Second of all, I literally clean the bathroom every week.

    I’ve tried addressing some of these issues, but every time I bring up how her behavior affects me, she gaslights me, saying I’m overreacting or “being sensitive.” I’m starting to dread coming home, which sucks because this apartment was supposed to be my little sanctuary in the city.

    What do I do? How do I handle this without making things worse—or losing my mind?

    Sincerely,
    Tired and Trapped

  • Dear Tired and Trapped,

    Oh no, I feel your pain! Moving to NYC is supposed to be a moment, and instead, you’re dealing with this drama? Ugh. First, let me just say: you’re not being “sensitive,” and you’re not overreacting. Your home is supposed to be your safe space, and it’s 100% valid to feel upset when someone’s toxic vibes are ruining that. Let’s figure out how you can handle this with grace (and maybe a touch of petty flair, because you deserve that).

    Before you do anything, take a step back and evaluate what’s really going on. Is this a situation where your roommate is just clueless and needs some boundaries, or are we talking full-blown toxic behavior that’s unlikely to change? Based on what you’ve described, it sounds like a mix of both—she’s inconsiderate, passive-aggressive, and not willing to listen. That’s a tough combo, but don’t panic just yet.

    You’ve already tried addressing some issues, which is great! Now it’s time to be super clear and direct. Schedule a roommate meeting (yes, like an awkward office meeting) and calmly bring up the main things that are bothering you. Keep it focused on how her actions affect you, so it doesn’t come off as an attack. For example:

    "Hey, I’ve noticed a few things that are making it hard for me to feel comfortable here, and I wanted to talk about them. I’d really appreciate it if we could keep shared spaces more neutral and save personal conversations for private areas. Also, could we agree on quiet hours in the morning?"

    If she’s reasonable (fingers crossed), this might open up a productive convo. If not, at least you’ll know you tried.

    Let’s be real—if your roommate is unwilling to compromise, the most important thing you can do is take care of yourself. Start by creating little pockets of peace in your life. Invest in noise-canceling headphones for those 7 a.m. raves. Spend more time outside the apartment—whether it’s working from a coffee shop, exploring the city, or crashing at a friend’s place for a few hours. You don’t have to let her negativity seep into every part of your life.

    If things don’t improve and the toxicity is too real, it might be time to start looking for a new place. I know, NYC housing is wild, but there are tons of resources to help you find a better fit—Facebook groups, apps like Roomi, or even asking around in your network. It might take some effort, but your mental health is 100% worth it.

    This one’s for your future self. Document any major conflicts or issues—just in case you ever need proof for a landlord, a sublet situation, or even legal action (worst-case scenario). A quick email summarizing your convo after a disagreement can be a lifesaver later.

    Living with a toxic roommate is exhausting, but you’re stronger than this situation. Remember, this is just one chapter of your NYC story. Someday, you’ll look back and laugh about the labeled salt or the 7 a.m. techno concerts. Until then, focus on creating peace where you can, standing up for yourself, and keeping your eyes on the better living situation that’s out there waiting for you.

    You got this. NYC is yours—you just have to claim it. 💕

    XO,
    The Living Revive Team